So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

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So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

Postby Fifth » Sat May 10, 2014 12:06 pm

Not literally. But my lady-friend has been keeping our 9-month-old relationship a secret from her family, because at 24, she's still not allowed to date.
My lady (hereafter referred to as L) story, in brief: her mother's an immigrant from Taiwan, her father's an American. They married, had two kids, then got a rather ugly divorce (details I don't know), and haven't spoken in years. Her father now lives and works in Asia and is not in our immediate picture, except that he is unlikely to be supportive.
So fast-forward to now: we've been dating for 9 months, and everything's been going great, except she's about to graduate from college. And now I'm looking around at all of the people from our department, who know we're together (when 10 minutes between classes were all the time we had together, we didn't see the upside of being discreet) and picturing one of them saying to L's mother at the graduation ceremony, "Your daughter and her boyfriend make such a cute couple!" and her mother going "wait, WHAT BOYFRIEND?!?!"
L and I really don't know what to do, and graduation is in about two weeks, and this scenario has been looming larger and larger in my head. I am highly reluctant to push things, but our only option seems either breaking the news or enlisting all the members of our department in an elaborate deception, which violates the precepts of Comic 342. I asked Dan Savage and a local sex-and-relationships radio advice show, but haven't heard anything back.

So now I'm at rock bottom (for me): asking for help on the Internet. Has anyone here been in this situation? Any advice or sources we could look at?
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Re: So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

Postby JustinReilly » Sat May 10, 2014 2:36 pm

Yeah, hijinx aren't the answer. It sounds like it's time for tough decisions. If you guys think you're on the road to making this a long term thing, you're going to have to deal with her mother eventually. And hijinx and putting it off probably won't help. You guys need to talk to each other honestly and find out how you both really stand on this. I know you said you don't want to push her, but - and I've got 14 years of successful, mostly happy marriage to back me up here - if you guys can't communicate openly and honestly about important stuff like this, you're fucked in the long run. And then you need to talk to her mother. I don't know how she'll react. But while she might not like you now, if you guys are sneaking around and lying to her she's definitely going to HATE you.

I don't know what's going to happen for you guys. I wish you the best of luck. I'll tell you one thing, and this is just my perspective based on my relationship, but my wife and I both would tell our families to go fuck themselves if they were dumb enough to try to force us apart. I'm not sure I could be a partner with someone that doesn't feel that way. But different people value these things differently. You guys need to put some work in to figure out where your values lie. Good luck!
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Re: So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

Postby SoftDream » Sat May 10, 2014 2:55 pm

I agree with JR, but I would add that since L is the one who's going to bear the consequences, you should absolutely respect her wishes in how to handle this. If L and her mother have a close relationship, be prepared to accept it if she chooses her mother over you.

When I was in college, I dated a woman who lived with her parents. I was the first girl she'd ever dated, and she worried that she would find herself homeless when her parents found out. Fortunately for me, she decided that the cost-benefit analysis came out in my favor, and she told them the truth. Not gonna lie to you, it was a terrible, terrible time, but they didn't kick her out and things eventually got better. Be patient, be strong, listen and support. Things have a way of working out. <3
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Re: So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

Postby RyukaTana » Sat May 10, 2014 3:28 pm

People who love other people respect their decisions, they listen to them, they do not treat them like property. L needs to know that, you should sit her down and talk to her about that. If she truly wants to remain close to her mom, she needs to open up to her, but she also needs to accept that if her mother continues to disrespect her choices, then she needs to get away from that.

Also, stop acting like children. Sit her mother down and talk to her like an adult. Neither of you are beholden to her. Tell her clearly that you insist upon being spoken to like a human and not like a lesser entity.

Do you honestly want to believe that someone who loves someone else would refuse to respect their desire to be happy on their own terms? If so, I guess I can't help, and I feel really sorry for you.
"Yamete, oshiri ga itai!"
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Re: So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

Postby Fifth » Sun May 25, 2014 7:38 am

Lady told her mother about me right before her graduation. All went well.
Thank you all for the advice. It helped.
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Re: So I'm in my lady's closet... (Need Advice)

Postby snowyowl » Sun May 25, 2014 7:46 am

... in bed.
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