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Got a little something to say to all my hetero-, bi- and pansexual male readers. Everyone else? Take a hike.

- - -

Okay, dudes? You with me? Good. Pay attention, now, this is hard-won wisdom. I recommend you write it down somewhere, ideally on your goddamn arm.


If a woman (any woman - your wife, your girlfriend, a friend, an acquaintance, a stranger, whatever) expresses dissatisfaction with her appearance, telling her that you find her sexually attractive is absolutely absolutely absolutely not the response she's looking for, and it absolutely will not help anything.

I'm gonna rephrase that, just so you get what I'm saying, here.

When a lady tells you she thinks she's ugly, any variation on the theme of "I'd still bang you" IS THE WRONG GODDAMN ANSWER.

I know, I know. You're just being honest. You meant it as a compliment. You'd take it as a compliment if she said it to you. I know, believe me, I know, it's an almost instinctual response. See, here's the thing, though:

She's not stupid.

She knows you'd still bang her. She's been on this planet, around other dudes, for her entire life. She knows she could look like Guy Fieri, and you'd still throw a pillowcase over her head, think really hard about Eva Longoria, and get to work.

Telling a woman you'd be willing to have sex with her isn't a compliment. It's an acknowledgement that you are male and she is female.

Think of something else - anything else - to say.


(Thursday morning, INT: EB and JH's apartment)

EB: Oof. I probably shouldn't finish this.
JH: Is it not good?
EB: No, no, it's great. I just... I'm feeling really fat right now.
JH: You're not fat.
EB: I didn't say I was fat, I said I felt fat.
JH: Yeah, but you're not fat. So... don't feel that way.
EB: Ugh. Could you please not be such a guy about this?
JH: I... I don't really know what that means. But uh... not to express anything eviction-worthy, or anything, but some guys happen to actually prefer a little-
EB: Jamie for the love of God I'll finish the omelette just please stop talking right now.